Musicpervs - A boy's journey through words and the mixtapes. I write every Thursday.

Selfish

Published October 11, 2024 By 8ijay.shrestha

Sometimes you just need to be selfish and take care of you. If they love you they’ll understand.
Robert Tew

^{End of the Line -VVE}

I cry.

I cried last week as I was speaking with the reminiscing scent of the old shit-holes, the dark hardships,.. those ugly shit-storms I went through at a very early age.

Purely, purely driven by the hunger for a better life.

I wasn’t a big-shot in grades.

I wasn’t a perfect son. Don’t know if I was a good-enough brother.

But I for sure was selfish. I wanted to become the best version of myself in my own eyes. I cared less about the rest.

I still do.

For nothing came to me on a silver platter.

Not ever. Not today. Not anything. Not anytime.

Those small decisions I had made in my tiny brain since I was barely 15 years of age.

Those evident but unbeknownst mistakes I walked into because I had nobody teaching me shits.

My parents and guardians were busy putting off the fire that I had ignited (every now and then) . They never, never asked why I created one in the first place. I wish i was wise enough to ask the question myself.

Those pressing moments of deprivation, confusions, the feeling of being imposter albeit my resolve to do my best.

Those late night and early morning prayers I had started after the earthquake of April, 2015.

Those judgmental eyes for my inadequacies.

Those helping hands right just when I needed them.

In all sincerity, only if it were not for the books I picked by pure accident. If it were not for conversation with one-or-two genuinely good souls and finding out more about people I ought to listen to, or read from and follow through; I don’t know what would’ve been of me or the trajectory of my life –Whatever it means.

Namaste.

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Our Body is a Temple

Published October 3, 2024 By Bijay Shrestha

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
Oscar Wilde

^{HEDEGAARD – GASOLINA & COCAINA}

I was doing 180 pounds Dumbell Bench Press (90 pounds each hand) for my last Chest workout rep.

It has been a while I have been able to do 2/3 reps with that weight.

This time however, as I was holding those Dumbells on my lap before going all-in, a voice within screamed ‘Don’t you get it, this body is a temple. Respect her. Thank her. Bow if you have to. Freaking take care of her already.’

Well, I wasn’t sure what changed that evening when I had those train of thoughts pacing through my mind again and again.

Coming back to think of it, I believe because our mind can only make us want to take up that 180 pounds weight and when we are past the hesitation and pick that much amount of heaviness on us anyway, we’re all alone, we are all on our own and most importantly we solely and fully and only… only … and only rely on mere strength of our body.

When my grand mother passed away, I saw it all. Up close and I still vividly remember how vulnerable we can become when our body gives up on us.

Indeed. Our Body is a Temple.

You have to pray for her to be strong enough to beat the threshold you intend to put her through.

You have to nurture her with sleep, with essential nutrients and a delicate care.

And, next time when you decide to eat something or do things that is going to hurt her, think of moments when she did so much for you in your weakest, vulnerable days when you needed her the most.

That bench press.

That trust.

That loyalty.

My grand mother!

Namaste.

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Life taught me

Published September 19, 2024 By 8ijay.shrestha

Life’s full of shit. I am not complaining but merely saying the obvious. It’s okay.
~ Musicpervs

^{I will be there – Odessa}

A lengthy memory-lane conversation with mum.

Time traveling backwards and talking the walk I once walked.

Gratitude seeping in and grateful for the runway I see in front of me.

Thinking about all that and coming into conclusion :-

Life never promised me a free meal, a reliable parachute for situation when I’d jump off the cliff, a charity ride when I had nothing on me (all metaphorically speaking).

Life taught me.

Easier said than done –but Never Give Up — having given up so many times on so many things.

To keep my feet on the ground and work my ass offffffff.

To expect not everything will go as expected.

To instigate risk taking and accept the result regardless of anticipation.

To look back only for lessons and sometimes grains of happiness here and there.

To learn to grow and to grow to learn some more.

To love unconditionally but with open eyes.

To respect any living and breathing.

To let go at times but appreciatively.

To be truthful.

To be honest.

To write.

To give permission to fall short but recover and reboot as early as possible but this time with wisdom oil for sure.

Tons of lucrative shit indeed.

Namaste.

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Not her. No me.

Published September 12, 2024 By 8ijay.shrestha

At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough
for the wrong person.
At your worst, you’ll still be worth it
to the right person.

_{~ Karen Salmansohn}

^{Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence – Sons and Daughters}

On September 5, 2024, I had a second round interview with Bank of America team at 9AM PDT. I didn’t sleep well the night before and I very well knew I could easily mess up the interview if I didn’t get my shit together.

So, as usual to calm down my nerve and deploy tunnel focus on-demand. I started listening to the ‘Bathroom Dance’ track from the Joker movie .

It has become sort of a ritual for me to do these weird things. For cherry on top I took this mediocre photograph from the terrace of the apartment as I went there to get some sunlight before the interview started.

Later that day in the evening, Tessa called me and told me that Bank of America team have offered me a position.

This was … this really was indeed a humongous relief Post June 26, 2024. That day was the last day I had a job to wake up to.

Now whatever happened between June 26 and September 5, 2024, every day was painful.

Everyday was a lesson.

Objectively speaking albeit in generic sense, I did lose the ‘me’ at some-point during that timeline.

And, I was afraid I will never find that mojo I thought I had.

It would be ridiculous of me to not share the fact that my girlfriend is why I found the ‘me’. She is the reason why I was still able to keep up with that lost ‘me’ hanging by a mere thread if not for her abundant love.

Aptly, she is the reason why I am how I am,

Who I am,

How I am.

Where I am,

What I am.

Kind of apt to say, “Not her. No me’

Namaste.

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Graduation

Published June 27, 2024 By 8ijay.shrestha

Hard work is personal.
~ Musicpervs

^{Lost on you – Lewis Capaldi}

I didn’t go to my graduation on June 21, 2023.

I wanted to.

I didn’t.

My contract was ending. I was not feeling good.

I didn’t even write the Musicpervs post last week. Couldn’t gather myself. Couldn’t think straight.

That was out of my hand to have an offer in-hand before the contract ended.

It was out of my hand that the contract was ending.

But It was in my hand to give my parents, my sister — their deserved graduation day.

I stole their moments away from them.

Mum cried because I think she felt I was going through a lot and I am missing on one of the most important moments of my life.

In my mind.

Yes, I really worked hard for my Masters program. Sleepless nights. Stressful classes. Anxiety triggering exams and the preparations. The Projects. Presentations. Meditations. That Joker’s bathroom dance music I used to listen to every time when I had to show up for the exam. All of it! I lived through them, I suffered through them.

Framing them in mere handful moments does not essentially encapsulate everything. Does it really?

In my mind.

Hard work is never ending.

Hard work is the process.

Hard work is the way of life.

Hard work is personal.

In my mind.

I’ll hurt myself more by celebrating my past at expense of my future.

In my mind, I wanted to keep my promise that I made to myself that unless I have an offer in hand before the graduation I won’t attend!

I utterly feel selfish for stealing my family’s thunder; their moment and I did admit it to my mom.

She cried some more.

Namaste.

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Keep it right

Published June 13, 2024 By Bijay Shrestha

Quality of your thoughts determine the quality of your life.
James Allen (As a Man Thinketh, 1903)

^{Hozier – Too Sweet}

Food for thought and I need it more than anything in the world — specially around these pressing times.

On February 6, 1975 a wise man Mr. Spencer W. Kimball spoke on top of his lungs:

Keep it right — in your head.

Keep your thoughts. Good.

Not bad.

Keep your thoughts decent.

Not in-decent.

Keep your thoughts — full of faith.

And, not doubt

Because — it is in your thoughts that is determined whether you’ll be happy or unhappy, whether you’ll be healthy or unhealthy.

The happiest person is he who thinks the happiest, most interesting, f-i-n-e-s-t thoughts.

and that is a fact!

Namaste.

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Rejections

Published June 6, 2024 By 8ijay.shrestha

Without experiencing criticism and rejection in life, it would be impossible to
grow or improve yourself.
M. Kindembo

^{Tuta Pull Wahan | Deepak Rathore}

Every Job application I have applied in these couple of weeks have been turning sour.

All rejections!

“We have reviewed your application and have decided not to move forward with an interview at this time.”

… we have selected another candidate who we believe is the best fit for the position.

It breaks my heart when I see these emails.

However.

It has also taught me to work on the quality of my resume.

It has also been teaching me ‘patience’ and ‘preparation’.

It has taught me Rejections.

Failure.

Perseverance.

Hope.

It has taught me about ‘work’ to work hard!

This too shall pass.

Namaste.

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5 interesting laws to keep an eye on

Published May 30, 2024 By 8ijay.shrestha

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”
Marcus Aurelius

^{O Yaara | Coke Studio Pakistan}

This week let’s ponder over 5 interesting laws to keep an eye on:

Murphy Law

the more you fear something happening, the more likely it is to occur. (One of the best movie of all time ‘Interstellar’ has this mentioned)

Kidlin Law

If you write a problem down clearly and specifically, you have solved half of it.

Falkland Law

if you don’t have to make a decision about something then don’t decide.

Wilson Law

If you prioritize knowledge and intelligence, the money will continue to come.

Gilbert Law

when you take on a task finding the best ways to achieve the desired result is always your responsibility.

Namaste.

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Patience

Published May 23, 2024 By 8ijay.shrestha

Impatient with action, Patience with results.
Naval Ravikant

^{All the Lines on your Face – Tomo}

There’s so much going on in my life. I don’t even know where to begin.

And in this chaos, it feels getting off of social media grid (especially facebook and instagram) is one of the best thing I have done for myself to really try to organize my life around priorities that are priorities indeed.

I still have to work on my ‘X’ and ‘Chess’ consumption though.

Dakota over the phone exclaimed with deep sigh, “Patience, Bijay!”

Dakota is my Point-of-contact recruiter from my current consulting company Mitchell Martin Inc. He’s working around getting interviews based off of my profile as my contract with Bank of America is coming to an end.

On the side, and after a long gap, I’ve been preparing for the interviews that are about to come my way. I really hope I get them. I crack them. I suffer-enjoy through them while I fall in love with the process. I hope I get the job I always wanted. Patience!

They say the Job market these days is dry. I hope they’re wrong … although it seems like so. That’s why ‘Patience’.

Despite.

As Naval Ravikant rightly said, “Impatient with action, patient with results.”

Let’s be impatient the right way for the right reason.

Let’s go wild.

Let’s make this happen.

Namaste.

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