Musicpervs - A boy's journey through words and the mixtapes. I write every Thursday.

Commitment is tough

Published December 1, 2022 By 8ijay.shrestha

You’re in a ship and it’s sailing across the stormy seas. If you’re hacking holes in it with pickaxe, you should probably pay attention to that before you sink. So, it’s a good idea to keep what stupid you’re doing in mind that you can stop doing it.
Jordan B. Peterson (on Why be virtuous?)

^{Joji – Die for you}

To love truly,

is to commit fully.

Brainfully.

Heartfully.

Soulfully.

Beautifully!

If relationship-tree is to have the trunk, branches, leaves, flower and eventually the fruits — commitment gives it the vitality; commitment transports the essential minirals to nurture it; commitment inflates the breathe of life inside it.

For, commitment is the root, and true love (whatever it means to you) is the whole tree I know.

Alas, commitment is tough. Because, in the world where we live today the road to lust; the path to momentary cravings; the alleyways of impulsive desire; the address of loud, irresistible sexy-ness around is without-a-miss silky and icy. It’s proxy solid. It’s slippery. It’s frictionless. It’s bewitching. It’s bewildering.

At the same magnitude, real love for real is scant.

That, real love for real is limited to only the virtuous which unfortunately, there aren’t many.

To say the least:

Commitment is through which virtues such as trust, loyalty, kindness, sincerity, honesty, care, love, gratitude, gentleness, purity, tolerance, understanding and all the likes flows out and about!

Questions.

Are you committed?

Are you afraid of commitments?

Are you pathologiz-ing your love with lies and fabrication?

Are you for real?

Namaste.

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You’re fine

Published November 24, 2022 By Bijay Shrestha

External things are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

^{Good Year – Sam Lynch}

Off of many things I’ve learned from my mentors, one lesson they all re-iterate over and over again is to never give a thing about —

how people look at you, Good. Bad. Doesn’t matter.

how people have their point-of-view over you,

how people perceive your life choices and decisions,

how people frame you, or worst — want you to fit in their pseudo-made-up-perfect mould,

In less word possible, they say, Give no fu*ks about others’ f*ckeries.

Other’s got their own wastes;

Other’s got their own insecurities;

Other’s got their own story, their own narrative of other’s stories.

For as long as your ego hasn’t gotten the best of you;

For as long as you’re not heedless and that ephemeral, non-existent pride is not up in your arse;

For as long as you’re not damaging anybody — physically, mentally, spiritually;

For as long as you’re not stepping up on somebody else’s lawn;

In less word possible, you should be fine; You are fine!

Namaste.

p.s. for the record MIU published this small newsletter on me this november. Thanks to Solution for the lead!

p.s.s. Practicing — not being afraid.

Bijay Shrestha: Realizing His IT and Personal Potential

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Sad playlist

Published November 17, 2022 By 8ijay.shrestha

Grief begets Gratitude.
~author

^{Dean Lewis – How Do I Say Goodbye}

Two days ago, as I was walking to the gym (it’s a 23 minutes walk) I pulled up my phone, subscribed to Apple music impromptuly, and started listening to the sad playlist. Deliberately!

Not because I had a rough day.

Not because I had been going through a lot.

Not because I was hurt.

Not because I was sad.

Not because I was fucked!

It was solely and only because I wanted to synthesize sadness. Weird. I know.

Unpacking…

I wanted to soak in and soak myself with my forever friendemy — grief.

I wanted to step on the earth, again! Rest. Reflect. Re-calibrate.

Move. Shake.

For, it’s been a while I have been flying in perpetual happiness.

For, it’s been a while I had been living in a foggy, seemingly make-believe-world.

In a nutshell, I wanted to meditate on despair.

I wanted to refresh, relive, re-fill, re-feel my memories as far as my on-and-off relationship with sadness is concerned.

And, to say the least, sadness has always given me purpose.

Bonus — it’s okay to cry!

Namaste.

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I want to write about

Published November 10, 2022 By 8ijay.shrestha

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut, that held its ground.
David Icke

^{Yugal Gurung – Timi}

I had forgotten I had to show up for musicpervs today. It’s almost 10 past 15pm. Normally I sleep at 9:30pm because i had to wake up at 4:45AM every weekdays.

This evening I had almost two hours long conversation with my uncle who I’ve not had a word for a long, long time. My eyes are yearning to shut themselves off as i type these lines in a pitch dark room, but I know I had to show up.

I wanted to write about meaning of happiness.

I wanted to write about living cheerfully in a mundane, routined life.

I wanted to write about potatoshrestha, and why someone who’s trying to avoid social media is posting just about every little thing that goes in, out and around him.

I wanted to write about why it is important to be mindfully aware about the passing time and the opportunity cost.

I wanted to write about why I will never be perfect but perhaps grind my teeth to be the better version of me than i was yesterday.

I wanted to write about how I deal with my own anxious self.

I wanted to write about why not every what has to have why.

I wanted to write about why it is important to learn to do nothing.

I wanted to write about why it is so important to show up even if it means doing nothing.

Tired eyes.

Uninvited persistent cough

Brain-full of foolishness, dreams & ambitions.

Heart-full of gratitude.

Namaste.

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Seek Discomfort

Published November 3, 2022 By 8ijay.shrestha

“He that lies down with Dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”
– Ben. Franklin (Poor Richard’s Almanack), 1733

^{Sajjan Raj Vaidya – Dhairya}

Part 3

Who stopped me from quiting?

Who got me focused into my prime senses?

Who grounded me from the weightlessness I was experiencing?

Who unfucked me from all the brain swells I was going through?

Who rescued me from my afraid self?

She’s my girl!

And, I call her ‘Solution’ for reasons!

My 2 cents: While you’re in pursuit of something really meaningful and important, while you’re navigating through the course of the goals and ambition — you have magnanimous self-doubts, anxiousness and fear; Now, all we have to understand is that it is at this unique pivot of time itself that — you must believe and embody the fact that self-belief & perseverance is the virtue that’s called for; without exception!

Today’s my birthday. And like any other years I’m writing a small note to myself. So, here we go.

I came to the US on October 3, 2021. And, it’s precisely 13 months since I’ve been here. Well ought I compress the gap between these times, I say I am grateful for everything!

Been through so, so … so many ups and downs.

So many sleepless nights,

so many exams,

So many potatoshresthas’

so many ramens’

so many sodas’

so many microwaves moments,

so many codes’,

so many airports,

so… so many pure, serendipitous beautiful moments,

Eventually to the point where I went as low as having only $5 on my bank account to show up for and still I had my homies backing me up.

Most certainly, looking back, everything was worth it!

And, I would like to extend my deepest, sincerest and earnest thanks to those few who’ve helped me on my journey. You know who you are!

And, please know I don’t forget kindness … ever!

Lastly a note to myself, “Seek More Discomfort”

Namaste.

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Seek Discomfort

Published October 27, 2022 By Bijay Shrestha

“Choose not to be harmed—and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed—and you haven’t been.”
The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph by Ryan Holiday

^{Khwaab – Anumita Nadesan | Big Indie Bang | Bhavi Chandiramani}

Part 2

So, after my rejection from US Consulate, Delhi, and before I’d return to Nepal in scars and claw marks, I stomached up enough courage to look at the next available appointment dates. Luckily, I found the closest one and the only appointment at that time in Mumbai.

In just about few days, I packed-up my bag, and I remember paying special attention as I packed up those newly bought pair of clothes I once wore on my first interview along with a pair of shoes my brother had bought me.

I took my brother’s credit card, flew to Mumbai with ample amount of cash I had in reserve with me. Having spent most of my time in palpable despair and having spent most of my times thinking about the thoughts of the thoughts I couldn’t stop thinking about, nothing was planned even until last minute. I knew I had to add pieces myself as soon as I land on Mumbai airport. That, I had to survive Mumbai for next 6 days all on my own, all alone. I confess, it was scary because a local-town boy had never done anything like that before.

In Mumbai, I remember, I spent most of my time practicing in front of the mirror. The mirror where I had also taped a piece of A4 size paper where I wrote ‘Seek Discomfort’ on the largest possible font size right at its center.

I practiced the questions. I practiced from when I woke up to when I passed out unknowingly late at night. I struggled to sleep. Most of the time I couldn’t. I didn’t eat much. I very much rarely left the room except for the one or two times to deliberately get familiar around US Consulate, Mumbai in the pretext of time and walking distance from my hotel. I calculated, it took me approximately 25-28 minutes to chill-walk to the Embassy from the hotel. It took me 13 minutes when I jogged.

Now, here is the caveat to the portion “I said to myself that I’d go to the bottom of the pit — seeking, enduring, embracing every freaking possible discomforts!“, which I had mentioned in Part 1 of this n-part series. That twist is: I had 200% made up my mind to quit the visa interview in Mumbai and run back to Nepal for two clear reasons: One — in my mind I thought the next rejection is on-the-way. I was shit scared, I was forgetting things I practiced. And, I cried a lot … a lot as a consequence of that mental meltdown just two days before the interview. Similarly, the number two reason I vividly remember was — one of the respected priest slash astrologer I had once consulted in Nepal had called me abruptly and told me that he’s shit-certain to help me get the visa in Kathmandu.

Namaste.

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Seek Discomfort

Published October 20, 2022 By 8ijay.shrestha

Face the demon of your imagination and Grow up.
Jordan B. Peterson

^{Ye Ishq Tum Na Karna Unplugged – Lakshay R Kapoor | Farhan Saeed}

Part 1

I have no shame in sharing the fact that I come from a relatively poor family. I have two siblings, mom and a dad. The condition of our family two decades ago is different than the condition we were in a decade ago, and touchwood it’s unimaginably better now as each three of us siblings have been living our own independent lives in different directions while keeping the center warm, while keeping the family,.. Family.

Coming to US wasn’t my decision. It was my girlfriend’s. I call her ‘Solution’. She solves all my problems and predicaments without me uttering a word. And, although I’m her fourth boyfriend, she says she’s stuck with me for the rest of her life. That’s really sweet of her.

Getting back to the topic of the day: I must have said it before as well that I was shit scared of applying to the states, because I thought I am not well-off enough to deserve this country,

… because I was shit scared of another rejection after Canada visa denial.

Matter of fact, I was rather applying to Australia, Europe, anywhere else but the United States of America. I vividly remember that conversation early morning on the 9th floor of M&S tower at F1soft when she (Solution) asked me to give it a shot as we were weighing our future options. We prepared every evening after work for at least 2 hours practicing Java coding questions for the forthcoming exam for the university. Well, we both passed the exam.

Plus, ‘Solution’ also got her US visa pretty much soon after that.

Now, with the money I had been saving up I went to Delhi chasing after this, .. the wildest of my dreams. And, here I was going back to my brother’s apartment in Laxmi Nagar on 31st of August, 2021 after getting rejected on my first visa interview in US Consulate Delhi. I cried that day — feeling disgusted, inadequate and worthless to the core because it is not that I didn’t put-in my one-thousand percent in preparing for the interview. Some said, i over-prepared, some said to take it easy. Some said, we’ll try again but I said to myself that I’d go to the bottom of the pit — seeking, enduring, embracing every freaking possible discomforts!

(well, there’s a subtle incoherence on this particular flight-and-fight thought process which i will explain in the 2nd part of this personal diary)

However, looking back, I feel grateful for that insulting slap on the face despite … despite burning all the midnight oil I possibly could have.

Namaste.

p.s. song credit — My twin brother!

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Mindset

Published October 6, 2022 By 8ijay.shrestha

One of the hardest things to do is to separate your work and the effort that you put in from the results. An actor doesn’t control the movie around them. They don’t control what the other actors do. They don’t control the marketing budget. They don’t control the distribution. They could do the role of a lifetime, but the director or editor could mess it up in post-production. If your happiness with your job and your career is dependent on how the movie does at the box office or how the critics respond to your role, you have placed your happiness in the hands of other people, and that’s a recipe for profound disappointment. – Ryan Holiday, The Unmistakable Creative

^{As It Was (Ambient Cover) – Vancouver Sleep Clinic & Amelia Magdalena}

I’m past 30 years of age and in all these many years, off of many things I’ve been grateful to learn; one of them is to understand (and on-time) the leverage of the right mindset.

“Mindset is an “established set of attitudes, esp. regarded as typical of a particular group’s social or cultural values; the outlook, philosophy, or values of a person; (now also more generally) frame of mind, attitude, disposition.”^[1] A mindset may also arise from a person’s world view or philosophy of life.”
Wikipedia

Now, if you dig further, you’d want to learn some more about Fixed and Growth mindset by Carol Dweck where in her book “Mindset”, she writes, “success comes from having the right mindset rather than intelligence, talent or education“. Debatable? Yes. But I’m not here to talk you about all that. I am no expert, not even close.

I’m here to share how a simple shift of mindsets can give us a completely different perspective and chances are it might as well give us a different life in the long run.

For example:

Awwwwhhh…I have to go to work or I get to go to work.

I’m not hurt or I’m healing.

I’m not losing or I’m learning.

I’m not anxious or I’m thrilled.

I’m not rejected or I’m redirected.

You see it’s inevitable and It’s beyond our scope of control to stop negative things from happening to us and essentially to stop negative thoughts from swelling up our brain.

Plus, despite, … despite all that, fighting back negative mindset makes them even harder if not done the right way.

Which is why, my two cents here, “Have right stuff in to get the right stuff out.”

Namaste.

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I made it anyway

Published September 30, 2022 By Bijay Shrestha

Our actions may be impeded . . . but there can be no impeding our intentions or dispositions. Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.

~ Marcus Aurelius
uo

^{Cold Cold Night – Raghav Meattle}

For the last two days I had been occupied in a small treasure hunt.

I was preparing the introductory slides for Sauravi, and as I was adding the pieces and connecting the dots, I had to navigate through tons and tons of old photographs.

Well, I tell you, deliberately digging the past has its perks.

I feel more grateful that things are better today than it was before.

I feel I had been through so much that I can cry and still feel the warmth of perpetual joy.

I feel all the uncertainties and all the terrible shits I’ve been through gave me a unique skill to camouflage my colors; gave me skills to bend my ways as situation unpacked.

Those photographs also had me thinking about that one time when I went through a jungle of monumental panic attacks and heart pacing anxiety.

But then I made it anyway.

We all will.

Namaste.

^{Hello World – Sauravi}

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