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Ex.

Inhale the future, exhale the past.

Unknown
Harry Styles – Falling 

You must be in a fucking rat race, obviously. And, so, you’re exhausted because of the repetition of similar days and the ways the nights end for you — most of the time.

You feel empty, absolutely and ridiculously aimless. And, you crave momentary getaway — far, far-fetched from the core of reality.

You’re in a mood (meaning, you’re not clearly thinking). You’re drunk (meaning, f*ckin’ out-of-your head). And, every fu*king cell in your body feelingly screams, cries, craves, … they so fucking miss those good-old things, those wild, f*cking flings.

You’re tired of scrolling the same shits on your phone, obviously. You’re bored. And, something is intricately incomplete by your subconscious measurement. Most of all, the things you have today — they aren’t enough for you, are they?

Don’t lie to yourself myan but perhaps, every cell, every hair in your f*cking body selfishly yearns, shamelessly lusts for some form of lightning, enlightening gratification per se (sexual, non-sexual, and sometimes both).


You’ll scour the hell out of the internet like a desperate zombie. Perhaps, you’ll run through your old messages, the instagram, facebook, messenger, viber, whatsapp, snapchat, Hi5 (haha), … whatever you can get your hands on to crack open the way to your,

Ex.


It’s not your fault. The idea of reaching out to your former boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse via texts, phone calls, DM,or probably friend request.

Friend!

Really?

Dude, put that fucking phone down! Breathe.


Okay, allow me to explain. By evolution, we have one flaw.

This think tank; Our brain is weird, you know.

Because, precisely speaking, it never quite registers well — neither the pains of all the pains, the agony, de burns, the sufferings of the past and nor the moments of fattest happiness too. It’s crazy.

Personally speaking, no matter how much I try but I don’t really remember how I really, deeply, genuinely it felt when I had my last breakup.

For sure, I know I cried but F.U.C.K, why? I ask.

[haha]

And this is the same, same reason why we mostly, feelingly, BLINDLY, fucking wholeheartedly go back to the same devil we know, who once raped and ripped us naked and cold blooded.

Don’t!


For fuck sake, stop wasting your time and energy and yeah’ this life in general. Open up your f*cking gifted eyes, and stop running monkeys on the La la land of break-up songs, the comeback songs.

And, dude, try this song than this.

Or, go explore some other random shits like this one.


Finally. Well, despite all this Mahabharata cum Ramayana; if you still chose to just give it a jerk to that jerk off; I will say that there’s nothing for you there mayte’ except the same question I ask,

F.U.C.K, why?


In short,

Ex.

Ex-es.

Fucking excess.

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Earnest. Relaxed. Proud

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

That Tennyson
Arham Fulfagar- Waiting For You/ Intezaar

I want to remember this day for the rest of my life.


Because, today was supposed to be ours day.

Because, today we were supposed to finally reap the harvest of our small yet important dream.

Because, today was supposed to be an Earnest. Relaxed. Proud day, for the ERP team!


The app, ‘eappointments’, which, we had been working our asses off, which we had been long fighting tooth and nails for, were to eventually go LIVE by todays’ evening.

Alas!

At last, it didn’t come through as expected.

Matter of fact, this was supposed to be a breeze for all of us, after months and months of overtime, and nothing less than pure h.a.r.d work, and genuine dedication and love for responsibilities and love for work.

Apology email to the client's spokesperson

But.

Fuck it! I will for sure carry this beautiful feeling I had as we left tonight’s battlefield, lost by fate, maybe a bit disappointed, but then with an inexplicable taste of victory too.

For, despite unfair odds and circumstances, we did everything we could’ve possibly, possibly done to seal the deadline.


Plus, for me, ERP team once again did stand tall, proud, unmoved and bold despite unjust circumstances and tough, and demanding, and draining test of times!


Our bodies utterly exhausted, battered and yorkered-out. But our brow somehow, seemingly, … feelingly content and cheerful.

Because, ERP persevered!

Yes, I am profoundly grateful that,

Not for anything, but for each other, right till the finish line.

p.s. Humble. Honorable Mentions to

Sushanta Gautam.

Rupak Chaulagain

Sudin Shakya, and

Dhanusha Roka.

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Work From Home

Live as though today is your last day.

Marcus Aurelius
Andrew & Veda – Alive

Today morning, at 8:00AM, The Stoic, an android application in my phone duly notified me of a quote, “Live as though today is your last day”, and that too in the right moment when I needed it the most.

Sure, I’ve heard of a paraphrased version of the same from Steve in this video who himself lost his life to a rare pancreatic cancer on October 5, 2011.

Question remains. Why did i need to acknowledge and account for and absorb this beautiful maxim by Aurelius?


Because, like many of us, i had lost touch with the confinements as well as the fragility of life at the same time.

Because, like many of us, i had forgotten to appreciate life while contemplating death at the same while.

Because, like many of us, I had lost my network connection with life‘s bliss and the unmatched freedom for the web of unending, ever-expanding, forever-exploding work-work-and-more work.

Because, like many of us, I was more and more exhausted and more and more sleepless and more and more neurotic and more and more restless.


Without-a-shred of doubt, Work From Home has had an egregious impact on my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. For, in the last one week alone; the only things I actually remember are — all the shit pile of work, and responsibilities and decisions I’ve had to pull and on deliverables I’ve had to meet and meeting and justification fucker-ies, and problem solving, and the beautiful rain and chess.

That’s about it!

Clearly, I needed to recharge. Re-wind. Retrospect. Rejoice and rejuvenate.

And, sure, re-live. Re-purpose. Rest.


p.s. the why I don’t give a flying fuck about my past; the same why I have no regrets for my past, is because I’ve come to realize that life’s theatre and all the drama that goes inside this weird framework, only cares and knows about moving forward, moving strong, and moving on and on and on.

p.p.s. oh! yeah, and, I almost forgot to tell you that — for an experimentation purpose, all the things I had en-acted today on June the 25th 2020, was tethered around — living as though today matter of fact, was.my.last.

Goodnight.

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Love under the microscope.

And may your first love last forever. P.S. You are your first love. Take care of yourself.

Cleo Wade, Heart Talk: Poetic Wisdom for a Better Life
Man Kunto Maula | Orchestral Qawwali | Abi Sampa

Four polar opposite things.

Peace over noise?

Order or chaos?

Acceptance vs struggle?

Intimacy to scant and even worst, the excess attention?

Which one do you want in your plate?


Bleh!

Are you kidding me? Of course, we salivate for all the former ones.

For, our life depends on few of these essential life utilities, doesn’t it?

But, we die for that too!


A giant, fat fuck to our stupid, negative bias; We’re by evolution, designed to succumb to our own detriment. Our own unpreparedness, or call it deficiencies. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Whatever you add to the list.

Simply put, we successfully kill ourselves, in the end! Don’t we?

Because, in the likes of pollinators such as Bees’, who’re naturally attracted to the shape, colors and scents of flowers — we’re default magnet to our own ignorance, … to our very, very own suffering.


In this pretext, let’s put love under the microscope — which metaphorically speaking, is a breath and the breadth of life in its entirety.

Okay. Love! Hmmmm.

You seek love from Mr. X, Ms. Y, … in Mr this and Mrs. that, your boyfriend, girl friend, husband, wife, brother, sister,… be it even family; You thirst, hunger, matter of fact, you’re wired to search for love, acceptance, conformance outside but yourself. Science calls this a conformity bias, which, call it tragic —  is deeply coded into our cells by nature.

For example, when was the last time you tore yourself up, teared up, felt small and worthless and lifeless, and wasteful, like a piece of stinking shit … somebody’s fucking love, acceptance, grace, attention or lack thereof?

Contrarily, when was the last time you treated yourself for just being alive, for just breathing at will, for the whole day you have for yourself ?

And, whoa, this might sound weird, but have you ever thought of writing yourself a love letter, at all?

Write one. And, keep it near your palm’s reach. Can’t overstate the power of that.


Dear friend, my one and only grain of wisdom that I’d been trying to sow in your beautiful, priceless terrain is that you’re whole all by yourself. That, you are f.u.c.k.i.n.g enough!

That, you must learn to put yourself first.

Love. Yourself. First!

p.s., and for fuck sake, fuck the inevitable biases!

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Weeks

Don’t be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill just like a soldier on the wall of battle. So what if you are injured and can’t climb up without another soldier’s help?

~ Marcus Aurelius
Prateek Kuhad- Cold Shoulders

Personal housekeeping this week.

Q: How was my week?

Full with irrefutable work burnout moments. Mentally taxing, soul crushing, ….

Q: What did I chew this week?

Learned the art of acquiescence from Ryan Holiday. Dived deep onto Amor Fati.

Q: What’s the most beautiful thing that happened this week?

It rained. And, my sister finally recovered from COVID-19.

Q: What do you want to do for next week?

Self care! Sleep on time. Journal.

p.s.

Invest present for Future.


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My marriage.

Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Marcus Aurelius
Jab We Met – Tumse Hi

I wonder.

Will I marry my.best.friend who embodies my beliefs, who shares my values, someone who braces my tantrums, someone who graces my imperfections?

Will this one person who I consider the love of my life, SUPPORT me in every way, all the way …, all the way?

And, mostly, will my in-laws accept me the way I am?

Or, will I have to pretend to being any different than how I have always, always been?


I worry.

Will I find my home away from my own home!

Will I find my family beyond my own family!

Or, will I have to cut short my soaring wings and trade my freedom after the wedding?


Will heartfelt love, mutual understanding, melting care, genuine reciprocity, shared responsibility, the unadulterated respect and heart-full-of kindness –be in the veins of my new found nest?


Will I have a voice, my say here?

Will I find another home that I can call my own?

Will I be lucky to find a man for the real?

Will I be actually married, for real, at all?

My marriage!

A Girl’s marriage!

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Head Talks.

There is a crack in everything, that’s how lights get in.

Leonard Cohen
Sanam Marvi – Hairaan Hua

Deep. Dark. Fear. Inexplicable panic. Seasonless shiver. Clouds and mountains of self-judgement. Mocking confusions. Expanding pain. Contracting heart.


Out of breathe — couldn’t breathe.

Empty gaze –couldn’t Sleep.

Tasteless — couldn’t eat.

Bickering — couldn’t stop.

Hiding — couldn’t tell, couldn’t speak.


Silent sobs. Helpless tears.

Thinking. Spinning..

Losing. Spilling.

Spoiling. Digging. Digging for more.

Suffocating. Questioning. Expecting!

Explaining. Conforming. Justifying.

Thinking..

Thinking, and

thinking.


This is your head talk. This is your beautiful, vulnerable headspace.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. Over thinking. Anger. Annoyance. Impatience. Guilt. Frustration.

Whatever you call it. This is not only your problem. It’s not only your story.

You’re not alone in this, my friend.

However, whenever these waves of killing, cruel, and mainly heart pressing thoughts come to your shore — Don’t get into defense. Don’t try fighting. Don’t ignore. Observe observer!

Matter of fact, as simple as it may sound but I’d want you to gracefully accept this foreign, strange and un-invited guest also called ‘the monkey in your brain’. Embrace her. Watch her. Let her dance when it dances but be aware!

Be fully present. And finally, kindly, forgivingly … let go!


As justly said, the devil’s in the detail — so, do not miss Head Talks by Niall Breslin.

p.s. remember —

One full breathe at a time.”

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Downvote.

Piyush Bhisekaar – Wajah

This is not a post about ‘downvote’

But, just last Thursday, I received my first downvote at Musicpervs youtube channel.

Not that I put any thought on conformity, acceptance, agreeableness, and social media thermometers when it comes to my creative self-indulgence on the pursuit of learning more .

Or, say more precisely, not that I receive any attention on the platform to feel gravely concerned about, but this event had occurred right after few minutes of publishing the video. My guess. One of my subscriber is not happy!

Title of the post: True Love.

That loud, fat, echoing, demanding, authentic, pure, voiceless, screaming or perhaps wrongly oscared ‘downvote’.

But, again, this is not a post about ‘downvote’ at all.

This is about my reflective, internal inquiries and examination.


Have I hurt feelings of other people?

Sure, yes!

Have I committed mistakes in my life?

Most certainly. No doubt about it!

But, have I done wrongs to anybody, deliberately, intentionally?

Have I ever cheated on anybody?

Have I ever exploited or taken advantage of anybody?

Have I ever betrayed?

Have I punished, penalized, or sold lies to anybody?


If yes. Then perhaps, I should be the one answering it with full accountability and truths — not anybody else; And specially, not their feelings about events, circumstances and things. Because, trust me if feelings were the ultimate answer we’d never have had any wars or crimes or 9/11s in the first place.


Lastly, I’ve always said one thing and one thing only in my defense amid flood of baseless blames and criticisms.

I’m not a bad person.

p.s. “If You Haven’t Done Anything Wrong, Do Not Apologise.” ~ Dr. Jordan Peterson

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True Love.

If you wished to be loved, love!

Seneca
Papon – Mujhe Kaisa Pata Na Chala

If you’d only care to search ‘Love‘ keyword here at Musicpervs, you’ll most likely find plenty of poems, essays or personal shits — totally cracking open my unrestrained love affairs with love!

Gist of it all.

True love is a perhaps the answer to life’s awe-stretching journey, the sadness it pelts us with, the happiness it blesses us with.

Truthfully, true love is only as best as a good-enough one.

True love is not without flaws.

True love is a lot of hard work.

True Love is a luxury; Only earned by giving. Giving!

Most important of all, true love is deserved.

p.s. She duly reminded me, it’s been a long time since I had written anything on ‘Love‘.

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