Musicpervs - A boy's journey through words and the mixtapes. I write every Thursday.

The One

Published November 12, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

Genuine Friends Don’t Keep Scorecards
~ Marcus Aurelius

^{Prateek Kuhad – did you/fall apart}

I was once unsure if anybody would like me, let alone fall in love with me. or accept me for who I was. I use to feel ugly, lacking, and … fucked gorgeously!

That’s my story when i was in my 10th, 11th, 12th all the way to the 2nd year of my undergraduate degree at Islington. But after that, something organically changed.

Long story short, I clearly remember that this holy ramification in my mindset over my own identity came about only after I met my best friend. Manish — a sweetheart of Tangal, Patan.

As, someone wise, unbeknownst once said, all you need to get through all the shitloads of thick-and-thins in life — is just one person.

Fuck,

He is the one in my life!

He taught me to take care of my own shit. Embarrassing and Inflammatory as it may sound but he honestly did teach me to dress up, taught me to talk to seniors or even the girls; For simplicity sake, let’s just say that HE’s the one who had me Man Up!

Above all, he also (without-him-knowing) taught me an important lesson for life, and, i.e, — to Love Myself!

YES

L.O.V.E

Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F!

He’s a forever — Brother! Friend!

What have you done so far with your life?

Published November 5, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

If you’re not growing by day — It’s a stupid day!
~ Musicpervs

^{Sun Lo Na (Raw) – Suzonn}

What have you done so far with your life?

I can only wish If someone had asked me this way-way before; even before I found ‘Porn’. Because, trust me, the question really is god-damn profound, consequential and significantly pivotal for one’s full life.

I’d rightfully equate it with a ‘compass’ to moving backward, and to moving forward in time as well.

Just don’t be alarmed if someone asks you that question or the alternate versions of this beautiful inquiry.

Just know, It’s not judging you. It doesn’t aim to put you under any pressure or microscope per se.

It merely, clearly asks of you to ask yourself of your asking with life, in life!

Matter of truth, this succinct self-examination removes a lot of smoke from the air or say, calls for a healthy, naked, surgical contemplation.

That is to say, it weigh-ins on your past to prepare you for the strides and the stones ahead.

Oh for sure, It grounds you!

And for all good intents and purposes, this unique ‘tool’ holistically allows you to self-reflect on your actions and choices of your past and has you toughen up for the mountains and milestones moving forward.

What have you done so far with your life?

Namaste.

Rishab Shrestha (Right), Sampurna Amatya (Left)

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November 3

Published November 3, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

“Hurry up and live.”
~ Seneca

Kasoor – Prateek Kuhad

Another November 3.

2019.

2018

2017

A note to myself.

As you age, weight of responsibilities gets broader and deeper. The answer is Jordan Peterson. Embrace!

As you age, the world will reveal itself as more free, more mad, less obvious and less real. Pull Tim Ferris. Sam Harris. Derek Sivers. Paul Graham. Tim Urban. Cal Newport. Change with time but be mindful!

As you age, the mountains trail to whatever you want to triumph become brutally rough and imperative. As Ryan Holiday beautifully put it, “The obstacle is the way.” Pick your mountain!

As you age, resistance, comfort and distractions look out for you to ease, grease and befriend you. Remember Steven Pressfield. Be aware!

But as you age, you’re more in control of your own life; in control of your — small, big, naive and important choices. James Clear is there to point you to the right direction. Merely, know your weaknesses! Work on them.

Like Paul Swanson — Contemplate!

You’re growing. Soar!

You’re aging. Age gracefully!

Happy November to us brother!

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Oh.Randomess

Published October 29, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

“This is the true joy in life:
being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one;
being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live.
I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
~ George Bernard Shaw on living a life that burns bright:

My Space Is Overgrown – Aayushi

Oh, I’m re-learning to live a more deliberate bijay life.

I’ve decided to put off chess board that had been sucking up my private hours and minutes.

Social media detox. Digital sabbatical. Digital decluttering or minimalism. Purposeful Unplugging, whatever you name it …

I’ve done this many times before. Shamelessly, I’m picking up the gig again.

Just to be clear, I’m not running away from anything here, and perhaps the right way to look at this would be to say — Matter-of-fact, I’m doing quite the opposite. I’m on purpose running towards something.

Time will reveal why for every what!

p.s. Shoutout to my girl who despite my absense verily takes care of ‘the.life.of.bijay.s’.

In the meantime, ‘oh.randomess‘ was born this week. Amalgamation of ‘random’ plus ‘mess’ — that’s how it got the name.

This baby shall grow with time as I let go more and more random beautiful mess from my lifeline (captured mostly with my camera lenses).

I still don’t know why I like creating stuff!

p.p.s. Video contents I went back to this week, again — to exercise my wisdom muscles (which you might as well find as an absolute cracker) are:

1, Quit Socail Media by Cal Newport

2. How to achieve your most ambitious goal by Stephen Duneier

3, Inside the mind of a master procrastinator by Tim Urban

Namaste.

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Memento Mori

Published October 22, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

“To live each day as though one’s last, never flustered, never apathetic, never attitudinizing — here is perfection of character.”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditation 7.69

^{Emmit Fenn – Yellow}

‘Memento Mori’, which translates to ‘You could leave life right now’ or simply put, “remember that you will die” has been causing the spotlight effect on me since a tragic demise of my grand mother.

^{The Coin’s a gift from my sister.} ^{And I’ve been carrying this medallion ever since to remind myself of an inescapable death that awaits.}

And, I’ve written/ mentioned plenty on the title already.

Yes, ‘Memento Mori’ gracefully, gently, … humbly reminds me of my beautiful, ephemeral role in this life and duly nudges me to celebrate slash appreciate every bits and pieces of joy I can find here-and-there as I walk with time and tides.

Memento Mori keeps me grounded and helps me conduct as if — I am important but not important at all.

Memento Mori helps me deal with daily-stress anchors that life indiscriminately throws at all of us. Trust me, acknowledging and accepting our mortality has enough strength and wisdom to save our ass from any kinds of anxiety catalysts. Any!

Memento Mori is a super power spell !

Namaste.

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Rest in Peace

Published October 15, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.
~ Jarod Kintz

^{Vasu Raina – Chalo}

RIP.

Rest in Peace.

Really!?

I’ve seen enough of these three words thrown away just like that without weighing on them at all.

What a disgrace.

In all sincerity, if we’re taking about real grief; If only, we are talking about sense of real loss, real sympathy, real emotions, or feelings, or even real last words for the deceased — what .. what a terrible waste of words these seem for real.

With due honesty, I say what an awful expression to mourn the departed!

Never do that!

It’s like wishing stale ‘Happy Birthday‘ or rotten ‘Happy anything’ to your fake friends, colleague, relatives, whatever — and sure enough, pretty entirely out of pure formality you see.

Because, One — you fucking sure are not ‘Happy’ by any metric … any — when you typed them and sent them away. And Two — you have fucking no clue what does wishing anyone ‘Happy Birthday’ truly mean if all you do is fucking text.

Please don’t give ‘Rest in Peace’ ever. You can always do better than that.

For, we sure don’t know what Resting in Peace is — after death.

At least I don’t, even when I am fully alive.

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Eme

Published October 8, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

Most of us have two lives. The life we live and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance. ~ Steven Pressfield

^{Rajamati Kumati from राजमति movie}

Playfully, sometimes I’d call her by her full name.

As I enter her room and make it to her bed near her, I’d shout, “Hello, Ratna Devi Amatya……”. And, every time I call her by her name, she’d confront she didn’t like the sound or the feel of it.

It’s just that I liked to annoy her and look if she’d react any differently.

“Respect from younger to elder has to ensue ~ My RDA”.

Last Thursday, on September 24, 2020, 2:35 PM, Eme took her final breathe in front of me on a hospital bed.

^{Eme’ and didi (on their last birthdays … together). Plus, while we were at the hospital, one of the last best memories I have of her was her deliberately trying to kiss ‘Sahana’ over the phone, as I was showing her the video didi had sent me from their picnic.}

For your clarity: Eme and I didn’t merely have a grandson and a grandparent relationship. Sincerely, when my father’s mum (also my grandmother) passed away I didn’t feel much.

However, to me she was and still is an equivalent of my own mother. She raised me and in the process also unfailingly graced us with her love, her anger, her care, kindness and most of all her contagious sense-of-humor.

For simplicity:

I was. I am. And, I will indefinitely be an extension of her.

I remember: I use to go meet her at least once a week. Because, I knew she’d wait for Saturdays. And sometimes on weekend when I’d fail to show up or get late she’d call. She called! She waited!

For the same reason, Saturdays will always be special for me for forever.

^{One of Eme’s favorite song was Rajmati} ^Kumati

On my last post, I had said there’s a second part to her demise actuality.

This is that (few things Eme has talked to me about in length).

Take care of your aunt (Reeta Aunty) after I am gone! You won’t believe but your uncle’s presence and his mere caring concern alone is sufficient for my aching ailments. Please soften him for his own good! Please, take care of my family after me.
You take nothing when you die. So, give! Share. Never greed. More importantly, seize joy whenever possible and enjoy the day to the possible, perceivable fullest.
Never hurt your parents specifically. Don’t have them or anybody for that matter cry a tear drop because of you! I tell you from experience, Heartburns are the worst form of torment any parents would have to fathom in their life!
Family is all you’ll ever have of yourself, for yourself.
Do what you have to do today. Never put off until tomorrow or wait for the right condition and the right-time.
Mistakes (unless you’re hurting anybody) will be made along the way but son, take them easy. Learn. Course correct. Just, welcome honest mistakes. Don’t yell. Don’t make anybody feel small or unimportant or useless because of their fault.
Don’t be stiff like stick. Flex. Bend! Because, the more conclusions you draw in life and your living in general, the more unhappy you will become. Don’t be so sure of anything, son. Don’t be constipated in your head. Don’t try controlling. Live light! What’s there in life anyway.
It’s very easy to say what’s wrong with everything and everybody around you. It’s comfortable. It’s just rare somebody would dare look within themselves and operate on their insufficiencies. Always look inward first!
Don’t talk much. Do not bullshit!

Namaste.

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Last Thursday.

Published October 1, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

Everything is in your heart and in your hands.
What is the world’s most expensive bed? The hospital bed.
You, if you have money, you can hire someone to drive your car, but you cannot hire someone to take your illness that is killing you.
Material things lost can be found. But one thing you can never find when you lose: life.
Whatever stage of life where we are right now, at the end we will have to face the day when the curtain falls.
Please treasure your family love, love for your spouse, love for your friends…
^{Steve Jobs}

^{Bharat Chauhan – Ghar}

Last Thursday, I felt all the weight of the world on my shoulder. Again, I watched flames eat up flesh minutes by minutes.

Last Thursday, I couldn’t write.

Last Thursday, on September 24, 2020, 2:35PM; My grandmother passed away right in front of my eyes as I tried fixing her bed positioning.

I was with her as she was recovering gracefully; Once again, playful, smiling, upbeat and eating; Once again, trying her best to be herself.

But then —

We saw her heartbeat go up to 240-253 from 90-100, as the monitor beeped red and worried.

We saw her tearful, swollen, painful eyeballs; saw every parts of the body swollen with water.

I’d feed her every meal (breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, … water), every day, until the day she couldn’t eat or drink anymore.

Laughed with her, cried helpless tears without anybody noticing, slept-a-little but in chilling, unfamiliar fear; googled every shit possible, in hopes that I can bring her back to her normal self.

Honest to god (if there’s one), It’s inexplicably painful to be remembering her finest and the final days with me, with us.

Because, I’ve seen her failing heartbeats over a monitor from 135 to 115 to 65 to 51 to 0.

Because, I held her cold, swollen, white hands and watched her oxygen saturation(SpO₂) drop from 96 to 81 to 75 to 0.

Because, I saw her blood pressure get radically low despite continuous Dobutamine IV administration.

Because, I saw her lungs RPM go nil from 24 and 18 and 8.

I know how fortunately vulnerable we human are — than we’d ever know.

I vividly remember, one fine day, we walked her to the hospital on an ambulance. I will never forget her swollen, tired, trying feet.

A week after, I was trying to open her mouth by pressing her tongue downward just so that she can breathe.

Reebhusha sobbing her heart out would rub her hands as we were losing her quickly.

In tears, we had tried everything we could’ve. She did too.

We failed!

Failed!

However, there’s a second part to this story.

P.S. Ours was not merely a grandparent-grandson relationship.

Ours is a relationship of a lifetime.

Eme’ … … I wish I wasn’t writing this.

Sorry!

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Questions.

Published September 17, 2020 By Bijay Shrestha

“They say behind mountains are more mountains.”
^{Edwidge Danticat}

^{Anson Seabra – Trying My Best}

I dare no one disagrees less — we most certainly are living in one of the best, the most blessed times, from a vantage point of any human who’ve lived before us.

Just from my own personal experience, must I fold just plenty of years backward, I had never in my life imagined a loadshedding-free country.

Plus, this life I’m fortunate to be living at the moment was also far-freaking-cry.

That today, we bill ‘the internet’ like we pay for our most essential utilities such as electricity and water.

That, transport, food, groceries, even love — are just inches away from our eyes and at our fingertips.

Questions!?

W.h.e.r.e the fuck did we fuck up?

How come we’ve allowed our creativity slash genius muscles atrophy slash malnourished and stupidity and narcissism proliferate at their cost?

How are we more restless, more stoned, more asking, more expectant, more inadequate, more whining, more addictive, more out-of-control, more alone, more depressed, more lost … more suicidal?

How come we’re mostly missing our bed to sleep, mostly spilling our goddamn’ time on far-from-real games and facebook and instagram and youtube and tiktoks.

For fuck sake, how come we’re always tired most-of-the-days on this once-in-a-lifetime Life?

Honestly, Wake UP BEFORE YOU DON’T … EVER!

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Musicpervs Posts

Fuck,

He is the one in my life!