Eme

Memories is all we’ll ever have, don’t we? ~ Author

^{Bella Ciao – La Casa de Papel}

Personal stuff!

^{My grand mother holding my hand, teaching me to do ritual stuff during our birthday puja.}

“Nothing will happen to me. Isn’t it?”, I recollect she had randomly asked me exactly twice when we were at the hospital as she was receiving treatment for her illness under close diagnosis.

Her health was showing promising recovery. And, I did reassured my grandmother that we’ll both return home in no time.It had already been 5 days and that painful day, I even remember her requesting my maternal uncle (her son), and did so repeatedly, pleading him to take her home — safe and sound — just for once!

I remember we were all positive about her prospective well-being.

I remember keeping up with her diet chart.

I remember logging in her water-intake sheet.

I remember her holding my hands when she couldn’t stand and sit on her own.

I very much clearly remember our very last happy day!

I remember her final meal.

I remember all the struggles she embraced, fought and endured in hope,

for hope.

[…]

And yes, she did finally leave the ICU bed,

[…]

but at the expense of her life!

[…]

She never returned home.

And, I couldn’t save her.

And now that, that has happened — at least once a week my brain without-a-miss references the fragments of my memories with her, and mostly not-so-pleasant ones.

And, before sadness swallows me,

I cling to distractions.

I reckon,

Life is not designed to be fair.

It will never be fair!

And, the best we can do is — do what’s best for us
given all sorts of unanticipated and thick circumstances,

far beyond our control,

beyond us.

It is for sure that my love for my grandmother (despite her physical absence) will never get less or cease to exist … until I do.

^{Probably my final birthday tika with her.}

On the same token,

I hope you too will love your mattered ones — fully, selflessly, unconditionally

— whenever you’ve a chance … whenever you can.

And, please do celebrate life around you

— whenever you’ve a chance … whenever you can!

Bella Ciao Eme!

🌼🌸🌼🌸

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Most of us have two lives. The life we live and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance. ~ Steven Pressfield

^{Rajamati Kumati from राजमति movie}

Playfully, sometimes I’d call her by her full name.

As I enter her room and make it to her bed near her, I’d shout, “Hello, Ratna Devi Amatya……”. And, every time I call her by her name, she’d confront she didn’t like the sound or the feel of it.

It’s just that I liked to annoy her and look if she’d react any differently.

“Respect from younger to elder has to ensue ~ My RDA”.

Last Thursday, on September 24, 2020, 2:35 PM, Eme took her final breathe in front of me on a hospital bed.

^{Eme’ and didi (on their last birthdays … together). Plus, while we were at the hospital, one of the last best memories I have of her was her deliberately trying to kiss ‘Sahana’ over the phone, as I was showing her the video didi had sent me from their picnic.}

For your clarity: Eme and I didn’t merely have a grandson and a grandparent relationship. Sincerely, when my father’s mum (also my grandmother) passed away I didn’t feel much.

However, to me she was and still is an equivalent of my own mother. She raised me and in the process also unfailingly graced us with her love, her anger, her care, kindness and most of all her contagious sense-of-humor.

For simplicity:

I was. I am. And, I will indefinitely be an extension of her.

I remember: I use to go meet her at least once a week. Because, I knew she’d wait for Saturdays. And sometimes on weekend when I’d fail to show up or get late she’d call. She called! She waited!

For the same reason, Saturdays will always be special for me for forever.

^{One of Eme’s favorite song was Rajmati} ^Kumati

On my last post, I had said there’s a second part to her demise actuality.

This is that (few things Eme has talked to me about in length).

Take care of your aunt (Reeta Aunty) after I am gone! You won’t believe but your uncle’s presence and his mere caring concern alone is sufficient for my aching ailments. Please soften him for his own good! Please, take care of my family after me.
You take nothing when you die. So, give! Share. Never greed. More importantly, seize joy whenever possible and enjoy the day to the possible, perceivable fullest.
Never hurt your parents specifically. Don’t have them or anybody for that matter cry a tear drop because of you! I tell you from experience, Heartburns are the worst form of torment any parents would have to fathom in their life!
Family is all you’ll ever have of yourself, for yourself.
Do what you have to do today. Never put off until tomorrow or wait for the right condition and the right-time.
Mistakes (unless you’re hurting anybody) will be made along the way but son, take them easy. Learn. Course correct. Just, welcome honest mistakes. Don’t yell. Don’t make anybody feel small or unimportant or useless because of their fault.
Don’t be stiff like stick. Flex. Bend! Because, the more conclusions you draw in life and your living in general, the more unhappy you will become. Don’t be so sure of anything, son. Don’t be constipated in your head. Don’t try controlling. Live light! What’s there in life anyway.
It’s very easy to say what’s wrong with everything and everybody around you. It’s comfortable. It’s just rare somebody would dare look within themselves and operate on their insufficiencies. Always look inward first!
Don’t talk much. Do not bullshit!

Namaste.

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