“We suffer more in our imagination more often than in reality.” ~ Seneca
Kina – Wish I Was Better (Lyrics) feat. yaeow
From how I understand Breakups —
Breakup is always a choice.
Better if mutual.
Best if one of the two fucks up. Because you see, that holy fucker is merely an opportunistic scavenger; and undoubtedly a ‘would-have-been’ lifelong baggage of regrets. An imbecile pathogen per se.
My friend, Breakups bends but mends.
Rationally weighing over it — there’s no ugly side.
p.s. learned the word ‘imbecile’ from a netflix movie ‘Serious Men’.
It’s been a while since we promised our journey of love and friendship. A Holy 20 months approximately!
And most certainly, It’s been an.everyday.pleasure thinking, knowing, feeling, b.e.l.i.e.v.i.n.g that you’re by my side — with me! Albeit not-always-physically-near.
From looking after my ‘Diets‘ to ‘BooksI look forward to read‘ to be it surprising me with ‘Smartdoko deliveries and Merotarkari groceries’ to be it as delicate as taking care of ‘What I ought to be wearing and what not‘; You have truly, wholly given it all — given.me.all. Haven’t you?
It’d be shamefully un-kind, un-wise, un-just of me If I don’t respect them.
Wishing both of us the 20th Month Anniversary bruh.
I can only wish If someone had asked me this way-way before; even before I found ‘Porn’. Because, trust me, the question really is god-damn profound, consequential and significantly pivotal for one’s full life.
I’d rightfully equate it with a ‘compass’ to moving backward, and to moving forward in time as well.
Just don’t be alarmed if someone asks you that question or the alternate versions of this beautiful inquiry.
Just know, It’s not judging you. It doesn’t aim to put you under any pressure or microscope per se.
It merely, clearly asks of you to ask yourself of your asking with life, in life!
Matter of truth, this succinct self-examination removes a lot of smoke from the air or say, calls for a healthy, naked, surgical contemplation.
That is to say, it weigh-ins on your past to prepare you for the strides and the stones ahead.
Oh for sure, It grounds you!
And for all good intents and purposes, this unique ‘tool’ holistically allows you to self-reflect on your actions and choices of your past and has you toughen up for the mountains and milestones moving forward.
“To live each day as though one’s last, never flustered, never apathetic, never attitudinizing — here is perfection of character.”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditation 7.69
Emmit Fenn – Yellow
‘Memento Mori’, which translates to ‘You could leave life right now’ or simply put, “remember that you will die” has been causing the spotlight effect on me since a tragic demise of my grand mother.
The Coin’s a gift from my sister.And I’ve been carrying this medallion ever since to remind myself of an inescapable death that awaits.
And, I’ve written/ mentioned plenty on the title already.
Yes, ‘Memento Mori’ gracefully, gently, … humbly reminds me of my beautiful, ephemeral role in this life and duly nudges me to celebrate slash appreciate every bits and pieces of joy I can find here-and-there as I walk with time and tides.
Memento Mori keeps me grounded and helps me conduct as if — I am important but not important at all.
Memento Mori helps me deal with daily-stress anchors that life indiscriminately throws at all of us. Trust me, acknowledging and accepting our mortality has enough strength and wisdom to save our ass from any kinds of anxiety catalysts. Any!
What is the world’s most expensive bed? The hospital bed.
You, if you have money, you can hire someone to drive your car, but you cannot hire someone to take your illness that is killing you.
Material things lost can be found. But one thing you can never find when you lose: life.
Whatever stage of life where we are right now, at the end we will have to face the day when the curtain falls.
Please treasure your family love, love for your spouse, love for your friends…
Steve Jobs
Bharat Chauhan – Ghar
Last Thursday, I felt all the weight of the world on my shoulder. Again, I watched flames eat up flesh minutes by minutes.
Last Thursday, I couldn’t write.
Last Thursday, on September 24, 2020, 2:35PM; My grandmother passed away right in front of my eyes as I tried fixing her bed positioning.
I was with her as she was recovering gracefully; Once again, playful, smiling, upbeat and eating; Once again, trying her best to be herself.
But then —
We saw her heartbeat go up to 240-253 from 90-100, as the monitor beeped red and worried.
We saw her tearful, swollen, painful eyeballs; saw every parts of the body swollen with water.
I’d feed her every meal (breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, … water), every day, until the day she couldn’t eat or drink anymore.
Laughed with her, cried helpless tears without anybody noticing, slept-a-little but in chilling, unfamiliar fear; googled every shit possible, in hopes that I can bring her back to her normal self.
Honest to god (if there’s one), It’s inexplicably painful to be remembering her finest and the final days with me, with us.
Because, I’ve seen her failing heartbeats over a monitor from 135 to 115 to 65 to 51 to 0.
Because, I held her cold, swollen, white hands and watched her oxygen saturation(SpO2) drop from 96 to 81 to 75 to 0.
Because, I saw her blood pressure get radically low despite continuous Dobutamine IV administration.
Because, I saw her lungs RPM go nil from 24 and 18 and 8.
I know how fortunately vulnerable we human are — than we’d ever know.
I vividly remember, one fine day, we walked her to the hospital on an ambulance. I will never forget her swollen, tired, trying feet.
A week after, I was trying to open her mouth by pressing her tongue downward just so that she can breathe.
Reebhusha sobbing her heart out would rub her hands as we were losing her quickly.
In tears, we had tried everything we could’ve. She did too.
We failed!
Failed!
However, there’s a second part to this story.
P.S. Ours was not merely a grandparent-grandson relationship.
I dare no one disagrees less — we most certainly are living in one of the best, the most blessed times, from a vantage point of any human who’ve lived before us.
Just from my own personal experience, must I fold just plenty of years backward, I had never in my life imagined a loadshedding-free country.
Plus, this life I’m fortunate to be living at the moment was also far-freaking-cry.
That today, we bill ‘the internet’ like we pay for our most essential utilities such as electricity and water.
That, transport, food, groceries, even love — are just inches away from our eyes and at our fingertips.
Questions!?
W.h.e.r.e the fuck did we fuck up?
How come we’ve allowed our creativity slash genius muscles atrophy slash malnourished and stupidity and narcissism proliferate at their cost?
How are we more restless, more stoned, more asking, more expectant, more inadequate, more whining, more addictive, more out-of-control, more alone, more depressed, more lost … more suicidal?
How come we’re mostly missing our bed to sleep, mostly spilling our goddamn’ time on far-from-real games and facebook and instagram and youtube and tiktoks.
For fuck sake, how come we’re always tired most-of-the-days on this once-in-a-lifetime Life?
“You must be very very careful who you share your best and the bitter news with.” ~ Jordan Peterson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN_5jNxM0CU
old songs but it’s lofi remix
Please raise a glass for our brand new contributor to the blog. This is her story.
Today is a rant day. So bare with me.
Chapter One: Heartbreak...
For the past couple of weeks, my dearest ‘anxiety‘ had sustained longer than it had ever lasted before.
Catalyst?
Well, this story throws back to three weeks from today. I and my boyfriend were engaged in a thought-provoking conversation over an issue that was eating me up for several days and nights. Later, followed by many other bits and pieces of chats here and there, wherein I was again left figuratively alone — even more anxious, even more torn and confused and hurt.
Aftermath: I would wonder if my curiosity over the matter-in-questions were legit? I’d ask myself if he’d feel any more burdened in any ways with my heart-heaving and brain-freezing dilemmas? I’d also wonder what has changed in our chemistry (why does he not listen for fuck sake)? Honestly, I would even doubt if he’d ever care to understand the depth and the breadth of my private, silent battle or that If i feel confidently comfortable to share my plights with him anymore?
In toto, I saw my grip over our awe-cherished relationship slipping,.. suffocating with every dusk!
In consequence, I’d try to console myself with a fucked up cliché announcing “Let go and let god!“
As a consequence, I’d pretend everything’s all right and that the chips will ultimately fall in their place someday!
In a nutshell, I had forced myself to living a beautiful, sophisticated lie; which without my knowledge was piling up mountains and mountains of more doubts, and more worry and fear and withdrawals, and fundamentally anxiety at it supreme best.
Chapter Two: The silver lining...
Today, out of pure coincidence, we both sat face-to-face over a video call. And talked as we walked through all those bugging, crying, numbing, hurting, killing and confusing shit loads of shits.
Today, we did not text.
Today we sat and poured-out, poured-in.
Today, we figured together that the elephant in the room for all my angst and his’s too, for all my agitations and his’s too, for all my fears and his’s too WAS largely because of our choice of choosing to text whenever we’d chew over complicated matters.
Today, we learned; Talk to Text!
p.s. He’s right, Relationships, be it with yourself, your parents, siblings, boyfriend, girl friend, best of the best friends … are not easy shits!
I wait for Thursdays. Trust me, it is always a blank page and orgy of thoughts.
Well, few housekeeping since last Thursday.
I and my girlfriend opened my long deactivated facebook account. It’s a pacific of cool past shits. I’m certain she’s already dived deep to the bottom of the holy ocean.
Sadly, one of my cousin sister contracted COVID19. She’s recovering gracefully.
Uploaded my first IGTV video. Made with Final Cut Pro.
Created a simple family video. Again, refreshed Final Cut Pro skill.
A cousin brother ‘Nijal Shrestha’ eventually got admitted to ‘Nepal Police Academy’ for his 8th standard after three years of attempts after attempts in a row.
Working on my daily habits cum routine. Hopefully, I’ll soon be back to my 9PM-3AM sleep habit. And, not to forget, she’s also doing everything she can to get me back on my previously adored routine. See, she’s a keeper!
Getting my hands on guitar at least once a day.
Trying to have as much fun with Grand ma. I visit her every day (except for rainy evenings) and we trash talk a lot and laugh our privileged arsee out loud!
That’s long enough already. And sorry for wasting your time.
Now, without further ado, serving you the main dish of the day — yeah, Endless scrolling it is!
First, before I spill science, I want to quickly kick off with my curiosity for ya’all
[ intentional pause ]
Are you also guilty of being a happy prisoner of a social media factory
this seemingly rewarding but profoundly pacifying; this amazing but largely fake and deceiving; this so-easy-to-use but so-easy-to-get-consumed by-and hooked-into; this dopamine inducing, which is not bad in itself but also self-control-shaking and tirelessly,… numbingly habituating us to seek validations and approvals and conformations from others?
If you say —
Hell no!
I fucking love this shit and I love my phone.
Period!
Then, please, don’t bother going any further.
It’s okay.
However, if you are like me who agrees to be sicken with this disease and duly accept the mindless wandering out into the woods of conformity business of social media, then, let’s get our mind dirty one more time with digging and exploring.
So, only five questions to keep this simple.
Question 1: Why do you think ‘Youtube’ has a ‘Recommendation or Explore‘ section with endless videos-autoplay feature?
Question 2: Why do you think facebook’s video feature is also endless with one video after another and then another ?
Question 3: Why do you think instagram has ‘explore‘ feature with endless photographs, stories, and mostly stupid yet sophisticated and seemingly interesting videos after videos of strange people you don’t know and from strange accounts you barely care?
Question 4: Ask, are these social media really, connecting us or just making us more anti-social … and more stupid? Endlessly?
Question 5: How often do you check to see if how many people reacted to your social media posts? How. Many. Times?
Don’t you think it’s weird and fishy?
Rephrasing one of my mentor, Niall Breslin as he says that Our eye balls — meaning our attention, our focus,… our time in general scheme of things are like oils for companies of today. They want to control it, …matter of fact they want to own it!.”
And the science I was talking about,… is so beautifully put together in a short roughly 10 minutes video I’m about to share it with you.
My say: Download this into your brain as you listen every single word there. And take back the control of your life’s wheel.
My message: Stop. Fake. Reality.
P.S. My sincere gratitude and thanks to three of my mentors in the video: Cal Newport (Author: Deep Work), Jordan Peterson (Author: 12 Rules for life) and Simon Sinek (Author: Leaders Eat Last)
P.S. Hats off to ‘Absolute Motivation’ curator for the video.
Someone in the world needs to hear what YOU have to say.
Mel Robbins
Anuv Jain – ALAG AASMAAN
This late afternoon, I confronted to one of my nieces, Reebhusha Amatya on the whys, whens and the hows of ‘Musicpervs’.
On why Musicpervs exist in the first place. On exactly when, the idea of this multimedia blog manifested. On how sadness, yes, you read that right; On how numbing grief — actually painted, tainted, resurrected and re-shaped the edges and perhaps the whole of this small headspace of my private-public life’s journey.
As one of my mentors Mel Robbins says it so eloquently and with such vulnerability and emotions, “Someone in the world needs to hear what YOU have to say.…” And, hands down, I am just as convinced that I had been musicperving for almost a decade now for the same exact reason. Musicpervs is my story in toto.
Expanding further and in the words of Mel herself —
“There’s something inside of you. A life lesson. A story. Wisdom. Something that you are meant to share with the world. And, has it occurred to you — that right now, somewhere in the world, s.o.m.e.o.n.e is searching for you. Someone is destined to connect with you, to meet with you, to hear your story.
You could be a high school kid who’s struggling. You could be an entrepreneur. You could be an accountant. But there’s something inside of you that somebody is searching for, and your job is to find the courage to get out of your comfort zone and share your story and share your wisdom and show up in b.i.g.g.e.r ways. Because, I believe that discovering who you are, that’s meant for you; Sharing who you are and what you’ve learned that’s your purpose for the world!“
Mel robbins learned the lesson from her Yoga instructor Braxton.
So, all in all, Musicpervs, if you’re not aware, merely, authentically, seek to share a recipe but not the recipe to living one complete, graceful and beautiful LIFE from my lens, from people I learn from, from books I read, talks I listen to, things I observe and details I ponder over. Be them raw, perfect or overcooked; Musicpervs from a point-blank is about becoming, discovering, sharing, helping!
Namaste.
p.s. a bonus live track, I enjoy almost every-time I hear it, for you.
