“It is not things that upset us, but our judgements about those things.” — Epictitus
Sasha Sloan – Dancing With Your Ghost
We have a unique obsession with the past. Don’t we all?
The ‘goneepisodes of life‘, both Good and Bad.
Surprisingly, The Bad Ones tend to stick with us for a longer period of time. And, in worst cases even leading us to chronic depression or nihilism, even suicides.
We also have list of vocabularies to describe these things of the past — we call them Events. Moments. Memories, or ‘Stories’ and ‘Snaps’ created over our beloved social media bubble.
But, most of all, we all have that persistent, whispering, irritating, excruciating and looping ‘Voice’ in our head which keeps on poking and scratching and tingling and pinching at the specific events of those bygone days.
Days we will never, ever re-live.
Moments, we can never go back to and redo shits.
Memories, we so deliberately choose to get stuck onto, loop over and over only to accept at the end — that it’s completely out of our hands.
Brain-vomits like:
I had the worst day of my life.
That boy cheated on me; broke my trust and left me alone to suffer — destroying my life altogether.
That last office I worked at was a total garbage and the acquaintances! — I don’t even want to talk about them. It was an utter waste of time.
My last boss really took a great deal of advantage out of my loyalty and honestly. What a piece of jerk!
Things like :- Oh! I should have done this. I should’ve not done that.
Wishful chatters like: I wish things had turned out this way or that way or easy way or my way!
Holy Fish!
You see, there’s just no limit to our wild imagination of carefully nitpicking our past craps or state of affairs — that we think didn’t go well or go as we expected.
Consequently, and unwillingly having ourselves dragged into a good, shitty, deep spiral road-trip down the rabbit hole of despair, of doubts, of restlessness, of utter pain and fucked questions! Eventually, turning us Pro at crying, whining, complaining, blaming and worst — an acting victim! With of course a collateral damage of having to carry an infested skull full of resentments and dissatisfaction.
Holy Fish!
Well, antidote?
Please, on’t beat yourself up for things beyond this moment, beyond your control and more importantly don’t be a caged bird! (I hope you get the metaphor)
Rather, acknowledge the devil — which are your own thoughts and decisively turn introspective by meditating over meaningful questions (metaphorically speaking) instead of subscribing to subjective, non-sensical, baseless, one-sided monkey chatter. (Trust me, I’m guilty of this myself.)
Yes — Simple, profound, weighty questions like
Could it have been worst?
What’s the lesson I could learn in the situation?
What’s the path forward from here?
Where do I see myself 72 hours from now …. 3 months from now, a year from now, 2 years from now?
In all sincerity, I constantly think about my immortality reality followed by few deep filling breathes.
And, whenever this contemplation occurs — any shred of stress, anchors, and those crisp, piercing problems sublimates.
Eventually, slowly, gracefully evaporates!
Steve best put it
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
One hard look on the mirror:
These Aging eyes.
These Slipping time.
These Ephemeral moments.
These recipes of Intentional living in front of me.
I tried to hold it in, but tears tear up anyway. I let it be.
~Musicpervs
Nicholas Yee – Time (Inception)
It’s better I confess and move on.
I cry almost, … almost every other night despite this perfect ‘all is well’ cosmetic I put on.
Solitude. Loneliness. I swing in-between. Killingly.
‘Could haves’ clutters up my headspace. Blindfolds me. Squeezes me on my neck and hammers nail right through my literal heart.
Tears tear up.
And, I let it sway me.
And, I wonder after a while,… matter of fact, I wonder after every whiles that perhaps this is called ‘cleansing memories‘ of my grandmother’s final days.
I was once unsure if anybody would like me, let alone fall in love with me. or accept me for who I was. I use to feel ugly, lacking, and … fucked gorgeously!
That’s my story when i was in my 10th, 11th, 12th all the way to the 2nd year of my undergraduate degree at Islington. But after that, something organically changed.
Long story short, I clearly remember that this holy ramification in my mindset over my own identity came about only after I met my best friend. Manish — a sweetheart of Tangal, Patan.
As, someone wise, unbeknownst once said, all you need to get through all the shitloads of thick-and-thins in life — is just one person.
Fuck,
He is the one in my life!
He taught me to take care of my own shit. Embarrassing and Inflammatory as it may sound but he honestly did teach me to dress up, taught me to talk to seniors or even the girls; For simplicity sake, let’s just say that HE’s the one who had me Man Up!
Above all, he also (without-him-knowing) taught me an important lesson for life, and, i.e, — to Love Myself!
being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one;
being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live.
I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
~ George Bernard Shaw on living a life that burns bright:
My Space Is Overgrown – Aayushi
Oh, I’m re-learning to live a more deliberate bijay life.
I’ve decided to put off chess board that had been sucking up my private hours and minutes.
Social media detox. Digital sabbatical. Digital decluttering or minimalism. Purposeful Unplugging, whatever you name it …
I’ve done this many times before. Shamelessly, I’m picking up the gig again.
Just to be clear, I’m not running away from anything here, and perhaps the right way to look at this would be to say — Matter-of-fact, I’m doing quite the opposite. I’m on purpose running towards something.
Time will reveal why for every what!
p.s. Shoutout to my girl who despite my absense verily takes care of ‘the.life.of.bijay.s’.
In the meantime, ‘oh.randomess‘ was born this week. Amalgamation of ‘random’ plus ‘mess’ — that’s how it got the name.
This baby shall grow with time as I let go more and more random beautiful mess from my lifeline (captured mostly with my camera lenses).
I still don’t know why I like creating stuff!
p.p.s. Video contents I went back to this week, again — to exercise my wisdom muscles (which you might as well find as an absolute cracker) are:
Most of us have two lives. The life we live and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance. ~ Steven Pressfield
Rajamati Kumati from राजमति movie
Playfully, sometimes I’d call her by her full name.
As I enter her room and make it to her bed near her, I’d shout, “Hello, Ratna Devi Amatya……”. And, every time I call her by her name, she’d confront she didn’t like the sound or the feel of it.
It’s just that I liked to annoy her and look if she’d react any differently.
“Respect from younger to elder has to ensue ~ My RDA”.
Last Thursday, on September 24, 2020, 2:35 PM, Eme took her final breathe in front of me on a hospital bed.
Eme’ and didi (on their last birthdays … together). Plus, while we were at the hospital, one of the last best memories I have of her was her deliberately trying to kiss ‘Sahana’ over the phone, as I was showing her the video didi had sent me from their picnic.
For your clarity: Eme and I didn’t merely have a grandson and a grandparent relationship. Sincerely, when my father’s mum (also my grandmother) passed away I didn’t feel much.
However, to me she was and still is an equivalent of my own mother. She raised me and in the process also unfailingly graced us with her love, her anger, her care, kindness and most of all her contagious sense-of-humor.
For simplicity:
I was. I am. And, I will indefinitely be an extension of her.
I remember: I use to go meet her at least once a week. Because, I knew she’d wait for Saturdays. And sometimes on weekend when I’d fail to show up or get late she’d call. She called! She waited!
For the same reason, Saturdays will always be special for me for forever.
One of Eme’s favorite song was RajmatiKumati
On my last post, I had said there’s a second part to her demise actuality.
This is that (few things Eme has talked to me about in length).
Take care of your aunt (Reeta Aunty) after I am gone! You won’t believe but your uncle’s presence and his mere caring concern alone is sufficient for my aching ailments. Please soften him for his own good! Please, take care of my family after me.
You take nothing when you die. So, give! Share. Never greed. More importantly, seize joy whenever possible and enjoy the day to the possible, perceivable fullest.
Never hurt your parents specifically. Don’t have them or anybody for that matter cry a tear drop because of you! I tell you from experience, Heartburns are the worst form of torment any parents would have to fathom in their life!
Family is all you’ll ever have of yourself, for yourself.
Do what you have to do today. Never put off until tomorrow or wait for the right condition and the right-time.
Mistakes (unless you’re hurting anybody) will be made along the way but son, take them easy. Learn. Course correct. Just, welcome honest mistakes. Don’t yell. Don’t make anybody feel small or unimportant or useless because of their fault.
Don’t be stiff like stick. Flex. Bend! Because, the more conclusions you draw in life and your living in general, the more unhappy you will become. Don’t be so sure of anything, son. Don’t be constipated in your head. Don’t try controlling. Live light! What’s there in life anyway.
It’s very easy to say what’s wrong with everything and everybody around you. It’s comfortable. It’s just rare somebody would dare look within themselves and operate on their insufficiencies. Always look inward first!
Endings makes you want to question — why me of all !?
And, sometimes, as horrible, as irrational and as stupid as it may sound, endings can make you want to end your life too.
I used to be afraid of having to feel someone leave, having to see someone die. Honestly, growing up as a kid, I use to wish no one died in my family! And, yes, I use to be a people pleaser as well.
But I reckon — life’s a death sentence mayte’. And the world outside is wild!
And, we’ll all end one fine day.
And, not everyone will be happy for you,.. with you.
Plus, despite that, the world will do just FINE!
Scouring through my own life’s pages:
I’ve seen many cold, dead bodies of my own disappeared in flames in front of me.
I’ve walked away from many relationship(s); ended countless friendship(s) too. Hurtful they be.
So to speak, I’ve let go of so many brain farts that shitted over me.
And, since my 2015 earthquake’s diary — purely out of gratitude, I’ve waved metaphorical goodbye to every day I’ve lived fully, happily, and many-a-times sadly too.
