I explained,“I really never asked myself why. It just felt being at home with you. Yes, being around you always feels so right, so light, so me. In fact, I love you because I don’t have any reasons to love you; I never needed one. Sure, you don’t take my breath away whenever I see you. But watching you sleep in your beautiful mess is breathtaking and I want this for me for the rest of my life.
They say, being in love is the most beautiful thing.
Well sometimes I wonder, how would I have known this best if I hadn’t met you?“
One day she herself blurted out. Made me believe, she was so in love with me.
Next day, she bazooka-ed, bamboozled the baloney on me.
To be honest, I was scared of losing her for I thought she was the one.
I prayed I dreamt, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
Nevertheless, it happened. I lost her. She walked away just like that.
[The plot]
She ran away. She disappeared.
She slipped away like desert sand, so fast; leaving a stained, stinking, suffocating vacuum of colossal proportion at my heart, in my life.
Awfully awestruck, poorly heartbroken and left alone, I befriended my bed and the pillows to slop, hide away my tears from the world.
I pretended to smile for quite a time.
I saw my parents were distressed for I hadn’t left my room that entire festive season.
I smelled like sweat. I stank like a tunnel rat. Disbelief, Depression was my only company for quite a time.
I can see my brother, my sister were worried too.
They all loved me. She left.
[The turning point]
Murphy’s Law states, “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”
But someone wiser also told:
It is nobody’s fault that life has problems. It is simply a law of probability. There are many disordered states and few ordered ones. Given the odds against us, what is remarkable is not that life has problems, but that we can solve them at all.
He further added, “… there is a related insight here. You should probably quit things faster than you do. There is always a risk that you will quit too early, but of all the possible things you could be exposed to and invested in, it is very unlikely that you are currently engaged in the best thing for you. Thus, if results are not coming easily,moveon.”
[Conclusion]
Yes, I drove my wrecked Titanic back on the water.
And I didn’t choose to sink like Jack did for his Rose because she isn’t the one.
You broke him into tiny sands, ants. You broke the vow and walked away in one piece.
Riven, empty, he dragged his heavy boots, he tore away from you.
He stabbed his selfish heart as many times, over and over; to lull … to kill every beat with your name on it.
He blocked you, un-friended, un-followed you.
He wanted nothing of you. None of you.
And all the honest farce. All his failed cautions. Only and only, because he wants to save any of HIM if it’s there, without you.
- And that day -
Happily throwing off of his hands in the air, as cool wind breezed through and through him; he closed his eyes and kissed you his final goodbye mixed in tears and joy.
Our journey began with Informatics, that’d later get revamped into Islington —
Pal, I miss our college days, the lectures, class notes, those presentation sessions, boring slides, our C-Programming projects; but mostly, with you, I especially remember mathematics and also I remember your love for music and the edge band song you sang with so much grieve and compassion in your heart.
I miss your upbeat face — that adorably confused, hopeful face. I also miss your straight-up zeal to learn stuff to the pit bottom, in detail.
Yes, your appetite for knowledge and clarity! was clearly noticeable.
And how can I forget, your regular queries, questions to our own Mr. Prabin Kr. Jha only to get super confused (on Computer Architecture and Design). How can I forget your presentation on DHCP at Mr. Khaling’s lecture ( on Wireless Communication & Security module).
Truth be told: I remember you always sat beside me in most of the lectures amid other cool companies in the class. I never asked why, because I was totally happy to have a lovely company then.
We had about 20-25 friends in our first year at the college. But then as easy it was, you were different to me; you cared.
More so, I still smile whenever I remember our quick before-the-exam jam sessions.
Sure, I also miss your ‘best of luck’thumbs up during exams, which by the way always worked for me.
Mum says, "Sujan is a nice person. I am sure he has a good heart. "
Well, honestly that my friend, that’s your trophy. I don’t have to say much as if overly exaggerated they may appear.
Thusly, although, separated by volcanoes and mountains, forests and deserts, ruthless rivers and oceans, tiger and crocodiles, sharks and whales, kangaroo and work, and of course the timezone. It feels wonderful, you still give this boy a space in your precious leisures.
Lastly,…
a couple of things
I will always be thankful to you for giving a needed company to this aloof guy at Islington and beyond.
I will always be thankful to you for accepting my silence, for digesting my idiosyncrasy.
Thanks to you for taking a step ahead and trying your selfless best to comfort me, and for sharing your heart and wisdom.
Thanks to you, you politely and respectfully accepted my family, our values,
Thanks again for smiles and being a true friend.
p.s. I will never forget that crow story you patiently narrated for me.
You understood friendship!
No doubt, it surely would be my wildest of the wild dream come true must I deserve a privilege to grow old with you, beside you.
I love you.
Without-a-doubt in my mind — must you embrace me, welcome me as I am, I promise over my grave, I will stand right by your side, inch and millimeters away, through everything no matter what.
Because your happiness is
my fat, fatter, fattest happiness.
But, I can only keep you under my pillows, inside all my sweetest nights of sleep, in my dreams.
For — you will never know and I will never tell, how much I need you, how very much I want to be with you this life and forever.
I love you in my own universe. I hope you find me someday!