a hard learned humility of knowing that there’s no way I’ll ever be perfect,
that i’ll ever know everything in life,… about life.
However, the persistent curious itch to inquire and pursue most important questions like ‘What fuels my today for better tomorrow? Or, How might I live a more simple, deliberate, meaningful, joyful and fulfilled life?’
… and in the process cleanse my biases and ignorance, slowly, all the more gently in bits and bites.
In truth, so much has happened in these last few years,
“Some people are more certain of everything than I am of anything.” – Robert Rubin, In an Uncertain World
Another writer, Robin Stern in her book ‘The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life’ went to explain —
“Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn’t and to believe the unbelievable.”
Luckily, I had stumbled upon this so commonplace minefield via one of the podcast episodes from Brilliant Idiots.
So, yes, I knew the game, the rules, the way in, the way out and the backdoor and the way around.
Thanks to my curiosity muscle again, I did nit pick many grains of wisdom from the book Ms. Stern wrote on the topic.
And, I still wedge back and forth as I observe/assess/notice/examine the Gaslight in full ruthless, senseless, shameless discourse.
. . .
Three of my most favorite masterpieces from her book —
A) “Don’t ask yourself, “Who’s Right?” Ask yourself, “Do I like being treated this way?”
and
B)“1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself. 2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day. 3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work. 4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss. 5. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter. 6. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier. 7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great. 8. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family. 9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses. 10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself. 11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists. 12. You have trouble making simple decisions. 13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation. 14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day. 15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person—more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed. 16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him. 17. You feel as though you can’t do anything right. 18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner. 19. You find yourself furious with people you’ve always gotten along with before. 20. You feel hopeless and joyless.”
and
C) “You should never listen to criticism that is primarily intended to wound, even if it contains more than a grain of truth.”
. . .
There’s always a tactical, logical, surgical procedure to trace flaws or misconceptions in anybody’s opinion. Even your own.
p.p.s. Roman philosopher Seneca’s spectacular 2,000-year-old treatise On the Shortness of Life — a poignant reminder of what we so deeply intuit yet so easily forget and so chronically fail to put into practice.
Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune’s control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately.
There is no pain in falling in love. There’s a phenomenal honeymoon effectrolling.
Well, real and slow and debilitating pain is an aftermath of love falling apart,
of numbing heart ache,
of shit hitting the fan.
Now, in your path to a love life.
There you’ll meet two kinds of lovers.
One, would promise to move mountains to make it up to you.
Or, the ones who would promise to just be, (Gasping)… just be by your side through all thick and thins (Sure, by virtue of persistent conducts and behaviors.)
One would seek compatibility, security, or say in broader spectrum ‘the future’ before diving in.
Or, the ones who would choose a choice to love you without any pre-conditions.
One, who are so full of riches — emotionally and empathetically.
Or, the ones who treats you as they please. (Sometimes as lovers. Sometimes as paltry disposables.)
One, who’s a go-getter, party harder.
Or, the kinds who would rather cuddle you to sleep, at night.
And above all, …
you’ll most likely meet the ones, who would drain you by asking, asking and more of asking.
Or, someone who gives.
. . .
Thanks to this humble girl who introduced me to a movie The perks of being a wallflower — and now, freely stealing a fraction of lines from the same movie;
Closing thoughts : In the language of Barry Schwartz from his classic book on choices, The Paradox of Choice, He says:
“Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.” – The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz.
Free, hard to chew, unsolicited advice and this is very very important — Choose, … choose the ones who’re somewhere around the gray. The likes of an oscillating pendulum, who bounces back and forth between the edges, to survive and for survival. The ones who finds love and purpose around the delicate balance of imperfections and work on it through and through.
I can’t get my head around why everyone’s pretending that love is so f*&#!$@ easy.
So much so to an extent that — an urge to blow up a horribly pretended photograph clicks of them and their significant other in social media platforms tops,overenjoying the time together and letting that sink in for the sake of sinking in and sinking in only!
So much so like flaring ❤️ , 😍, 😘 … emojis is assumed to speak volumes today, overreal actions and intentions of true and deep love!
Perhaps it’s normal norm nowadays.
Perhaps it’s because of our own self-inflicted reality; seeping slowly into our unrealistic love-ought-to-look-like templates.
Perhaps a contrived, consistency bias at play.
Perhaps all because of this fucked, social media validations mess.
Atlast, … alas, why ‘lies’ for something so profound, I ask?
Whereas, love (romantic ones) indeed is a push and pull hard work between two flawed and naked human beings.
And, true love certainly is not, … NOT a conflict free ones. Or frictionless.
Let Me down Slowly – Alec Benjamin (Feat. Alessia Cara)
Every winter in my city has dutifully dissolved into spring.
It’s a beautiful coincidence.
Whence, slowly but by and by, have all my pains, have all y.o.u.r struggles, gracefully shaped and duly built the better me, the better you.
It is too — a beautiful coincidence.
Just as Marcus Aurelius in his book Meditations says it best:
Just as nature takes every obstacle, every impediment, and works around it — turns it to its purposes, incorporates it into itself — so, too, a rational being can turn each setback into raw material and use it to achieve its goal.
That, every once a while, we scatter our hearts in the wrong places.
I just want you to know that it has happened for good and good only.
As I write this seated on my chair, underneath a warm-lamp on the table which puku generously gifted; Adele’s ‘Make you feel my love’ loops over and over, gracing the entire room in every piano strokes and with every words sung.
I like it here!
Now, this thing I’m going to deduce for you is gravely unpopular. Perhaps disturbing too, especially if your sweet brain is serotonin stoned — by virtue of all these meaningless, well-orchestrated Valentine’s day holy gawd rituals.
So, I don’t recommend reading any further if you absolutely dislike my idea of ridiculing how our love has been commercially manipulated and sold to us.
HappyValentine’s day my gigantic lovebirds!
. . .
Mum explains,”Valentine’s Day are for amateurs. Because, the real ones,… a true, deep and meaningful love requires all 365 days of everyday trust, support, understanding, care, and appreciation, and gratification and above all else the awe-wonderment despite few un-intended frictions; despite few wrong turns, despite every worst things that can happen; despite death.” On hindsight it looks more like a practically impossible vowto make as well as to keep at par but behold, it’s true. Isn’t it?
Which is why, I wouldn’t trade one particular day for the rest of the other days in my mortal calendar to make the love of my life feel really, really, really special. No!
F#%$, No!
Despite. Regardless, I’d like to practice open-mindedness.
Compulsively! Deliberately. Lovingly.
And, so, I really don’t despise this so-called love slash romanceday-of-the-year for all good intents and purposes.
It’s time, we cut all the bs thrown around ‘love’ narrative.
Which unknowingly, I’ve been a source myself of many such pompous jargons, in many, different occasions around my journey with pen and papers.
. . .
It’s time, we love from the profundity of gentleness, and stop buying into these expensive forms of love-business abstractions;
It’s time we save our ‘love’ from being sold
over superfluous gifts and ephemeral pleasure gigs,
over hard-to-keep promises and esoteric vocabs,
over inorganic tales, talks and triumph stories
like Valentine’s itself.
Because,
at last, love is merely a language, a calling, an expression and the literature of souls.
And, to love truly and fiercely is to have a courage to sink in, pour out, befall and fall free,
without any brush of influence, expectations and artificial pressure
butmerely, merely a WILL to give and share
every fabric of your being,
your whole Life Projectin every smallest detail possible.
Tonight, give time. Save roses!
Share experiences. Be present here and now.
Celebrate togetherness. Rejoice mortality.
Don’t inflate love. Let love exist.
Suspire.
. . .
On an ending note: The great Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard although never married, anguished for years over the existential personal puzzle of love and marriage. To which, he transformed the question into a revolutionary book, Either-Or, published anonymously as Enten-Eller in 1943.
In the book he writes, “Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”
, published anonymously as Enten-Eller in 1943.